Is the girl best friend really just a 'friend'?

Welcome back, friends! I apologize for being MIA for what seems like years. Something I need to get better at is managing this blog, my baby. So without further ado, here is a long-overdue column post.

A: I've been dating my boyfriend for a couple years now and we have a great relationship. The problem is, a girl he was friends with has been into him both before and during our relationship and keeps reaching out to him (and even confessed her love for him!); I'm getting a little annoyed. He doesn't respond, but still has her on social media and hasn't blocked texts. What should I do? Am I crazy? Have you ever experienced this? Is this normal? I'm not accusing him of cheating but it makes me uncomfortbale knowing this.

K: This is a lot to unpack. I have to start off by saying that I feel like when it comes to relationship advice, my advice is usually unconventional...or at least I feel like it is. Who knows, maybe I won't be in the minority on this.

I'm so curious about this situation, and I have so many questions. Is this a childhood friend? Has there ever been history between the two of them? What is your relationship with her? Is she a good friend of yours? How long has she been pursuing him? Have you talked to him about it before?

Given the information that I do know, in this scenario, you're definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place. Above all else, he is your boyfriend, and if you have a healthy relationship, the two of you should be able to have a mature conversation about how all of this makes you feel. He should listen, be able to explain his feelings, and the two of you decide on how best to move forward, and most importantly, you both feel comfortable with the decision that is made.

I've never been in this scenario before, but I feel for you. I do. Ultimately, for me, this comes down to two things: 1) How long has your boyfriend known this girl, and 2) Do you trust your boyfriend?

If this is a childhood best friend, this is tricky because he's known her longer than he's known you (most likely), and childhood friendships are special; however, they do not warrant this behavior. The most difficult, but most effective approach to this would be to have a conversation with her to express how you feel while preserving their friendship. Tell her you feel how you truly feel respectfully. Tell her you and your boyfriend feel uncomfortable (if he shares that same sentiment) and it's affecting your relationship (if it is). Tell her you don't feel it's appropriate behavior, especially when he has a partner (you) and you're seeing and reading the things she's doing and saying. Another option is to have your boyfriend speak up and tell her she needs to stop, but I'm apt to push you to do this because it's more direct, it's less beating around the bush, and I would hope she would take you seriously. If she were to continue after the fact, your boyfriend needs to get involved, and I hope that he wouldn't have to lose a childhood friend over something like this. Or a girlfriend..

If this isn't a childhood friend, I have different thoughts. This goes for both scenarios, but boys and girls, men and women can all have friends of the opposite sex and just be friends. I do not think it's a red flag when a guy or girl has friends of the opposite sex, and I highly encourage it, honestly. I guess there is always the possibility that something could happen romantically, but that's where trust comes in. So, back to whether she's not a childhood friend. If she's not, you have more power in this situation, and that's because there's less history with her and more history with you, most likely. Again, these are just my opinions. In this scenario, you don't have to skirt around the "childhood best friend" card, and you can say it more as it is, but again, there's more to the story that I don't know that would determine what I would do. I always opt to be the bigger person the first time. I will give you one more chance, and if you choose to ignore me, that's it. So, same as before, try and preserve the friendship, have a respectful conversation about how you feel. If she can't reciprocate and see where you're coming from and chooses to continue pursuing your boyfriend, she's done in my opinion. It's not being oblivious anymore; it's intentional at that point and is trying to break up something that is going so well. That's not someone your boyfriend should be friends with, and or someone you want in your life, right?

Trust is hard to gain and easy to lose. Again, do you trust your boyfriend? Has he ever done anything to make you not trust him? If you do trust him, so what if he follows her on Instagram? So what he has her number? You get to have him, not her. Be confident in what you have with your boyfriend and flaunt it, baby. He's yours, and you are his.

I think it's also important to mention that if you want to have a conversation about her, it doesn't mean that you don't trust him. If you just need confirmation from him, I can validate that. But if this is a conversation that is being had every month, that's not normal, and it's not healthy. That's a lot of strain and energy being put on your relationship for someone who's not even involved in your relationship. Try not to let what she is doing bother you unless your boyfriend gives you a reason to worry. He's not responding and not feeding into her liking him, and that's all that I could ask for. Blocking and unfollowing seems unnecessary unless this was a weekly occurrence, and or this is a friendship he is willing to close the chapter on.

You're not crazy. It just sounds like there's a bug buzzing in your ear, and it will not go away. So, either squash it or put some headphones in and sit back and relax.

Hope this helps?

XOXO,

Kitty